Amazingly enough, I slept through the night (thank goodness for sleeping pills), and actually got up. That was a semi-suprise. I've done rather well today. Rather meaning no major crying. Although I'm at work and not one to cry in public.

But with each passing minute I miss you more and more. I wish time would speed up. I'm not sure why, other than I'd like to get as far away from this pain as possible.

I miss you babe. Come home to me.

10:06am

Make it stop, make it stop.

I just walked into my room, full of your pictures and the magnitude of this morning threw me to the floor.

Come back. Come back to me. I want you back, I want my life with you back.

I can't sleep. I can't stop screaming. Do I take your pictures down? What do I do? I feel miserable, and it's only been 3 hours. 3 hours. I hate being human. I hate the primal emotion of loss. And there's nothing that will make it better, nothing. And that helplessness is the worst part.

6.17.08

8:05am

It’s done.

There really are those defining moments where everything moves so fast that you feel like it’s slow motion. You grow hyper aware of your surroundings, the trees, that bird squealing across the pond. You know it’s all playing in slow motion because you actually notice the change in your heart. Not a thud, not a crash. A hardening. “so this is what it’s like” you tell yourself, no longer wondering why people get sick at these moments.

Good-bye. You said “good bye”. With the authority of finality, you actually said them. The words choked in my throat. If there was ever something I never wanted to hear it was good-bye.

That final kiss is never as good as you hope and want it to be, it’s too fraught with anxious sorrow and the pleading that this really isn’t happening.

I watched as life took you away, the scream I have been carrying around for the last few a months slowly starting to escape. I watched until there was nothing left to watch.

Then I sat, on the side of the street that hasn’t completely succumbed to civility and waited. I sat and begged you to come back. Come back. Come back babe. Come back. I pet the sidewalk. Comforted by it’s cool roughness, knowing that of all the things around me, it was the only soul that understood. Come back. The words slowly changed to thoughts.

I sat there, knowing that the minute I stood up, I was accepting this. Accepting life as it exists at this moment. Accepting the rock in my chest. Accepting everything that no longer means anything.

I sat there. My begging turned into a hope that you’d come back. Then I stood, and my legs walked me back to the house. The house where you’re love no longer lives.

Less than a week. Today was the last Tuesday I'll have with you. As much as I hate thinking in terms of 'last' it's so much better than realizing the endless 'firsts' that await. The first Tuesday without you, the first week without you, the first month, year...firsts are so much worse than lasts.

Every cell in my body is screaming "NO". It's manageable during the day but the moment my head hits the pillow at night it takes over. Screams that only a mountain of sleeping pills and a river of tears can lull into silence.

I woke up and wished I was dead, with and aching in my head, I lay motionless in bed. I thought of you, and where you'd gone, and the world spin madly on. --The Weepies

My heart is breaking, it's ok during the day when monotonous work fills up the silence, but late at night when it's just me it's like listening to ice cracking. The fissures are going every which way, like a tangled spiderweb. Slowly but surely. I question the sanity in even trying to stop it, I just hope it cracks to the point of silence. Silence.

I'm going to go crazy, that's the only sure thing at this moment. That's the only thing I can count on, it will be there, like it's been in the past and I will starve, and purge, and cut and do whatever I have to just to get up in the morning. That's all I know.

I miss the ocean.

Three weeks, that's about all that's left.

Damn, why won't the clock stop ticking?