The persistance of time

I fell in love with you three years ago this weekend...all over a caramel apple. Your laugh won me over, not to mention the caramel on your face and dripping off of your nose. Babe, you are/were the greatest blessing my life has ever seen.

A year ago today was the last time you said you loved me and meant it.

Ironic

I dreamed a dream

For the past week my nights have been punctuated by nightmares about being murdered, shot gun pushed into my chest, me begging to live. They haven't ended well.

Then I dreamed about you. You hated me. You were with another girl. She made you happy. I was devastated.

Last night I dreamed of you again. Only you were back and you loved me like you use to love me. You picked me up, threw me over your shoulder and spun me around. I laughed and thanked God a million times that he put you in my life. It was like it had always been. Smiles, silliness, laughter, love, security. I woke up and forced myself to sleep longer. Then the sun came up and the dream ended.

That's when the nightmare began.

I'd rather take a shotgun to the chest then to let you go yet one more time.

I'm sure it didn't work becuase you are full of faith, and experiences with God, and I am empty. He wants you to have something better. I'm not good enough for you. In fact, I'm a bad thing and he wants to protect you from me.

That leaves me more alone than I've ever been.

I know what I'm missing, I just don't know where to find it or how to accept it.

DIsapeared, again

A week ago you came to my house, said I was the best thing to ever enter your life. That you missed me. That it could work. That we could make it work.

Then you took it back.

I don't understand you, or how you could do that. How could you blow air into that final ember and create a flame, only to smother it again?

Intention or not, it was cruel.

Today I mourn,

again.

I've fallen into the hole that I spent 12 months trying to fill up.

And you're not here to help me out.

Cruel.

There will be no more firsts.

I feel more empty today than I've ever felt..if feeling empty is a feeling at all.

It's barreling down upon me like a mountain liquifying before my eyes. A year. A year I live every day in reverse. I dissect it month by month, trying to make sense. Trying to grasp what time has done. What you and I have done.

I'm still sitting on the sidewalk.

I'm still waiting.

I'm still.

Today I laid in bed for 2 hours contemplating ways to get myself out of this life, this hellish nightmare that is my daily existance. I think of all of the poor choices that led me to where I am today. I can't take any of them back. I can't make any of them right. I'm to the point where I see little to no reason to keep going. My life is meaningless. I am a failure.