My dearest Jacob,

I miss you every second of every day, but today the abandoned misery can't be circumvent. I scream with the pained animalistic gurggle of a tourmented soul for which there is no healing. Oh how I wish I could call back the peace, the laughter, the solace of your present strength and faith. My weaknesses are magnified in your absence, a burden I shoulder alone. There is no repentance for my sin of letting you go, no restitution can be made. I am totally and completely alone, with a void that can only be filled by you.

-C

I wonder what makes her so amazing, so lovable, so much better than me.  

I also wonder when I'll find the replacement, the one that fully makes me forget.  The one who makes this all better.  The one who can help me find my smile. 

Nineteen

Were were officially together 19 months and we've now been officially apart for 19 months.

You didn't acknowledge my birthday. That hurt.

But you congratulated me on getting into the doctoral program. That bothered me.
It still is.

I live in a frikin' vacuum.

There is nothing worse than this want of you.

It becomes more apparant

with every passing day that you and I...we..we weren't suppose to be apart. You and I don't just happen. That doesn't just happen. We were two of the lucky ones. Were being the operant word.

Even D doesn't compare to you. No one compares to you,
to us.

To us.

I no longer remember. It's been slowly slipping away. I suppose it's what was suppose to happen. What needed to happen.

I no longer remember. Happiness. Laughter. Security.

All gone.

As are you.

The persistance of time

I fell in love with you three years ago this weekend...all over a caramel apple. Your laugh won me over, not to mention the caramel on your face and dripping off of your nose. Babe, you are/were the greatest blessing my life has ever seen.

A year ago today was the last time you said you loved me and meant it.

Ironic

I dreamed a dream

For the past week my nights have been punctuated by nightmares about being murdered, shot gun pushed into my chest, me begging to live. They haven't ended well.

Then I dreamed about you. You hated me. You were with another girl. She made you happy. I was devastated.

Last night I dreamed of you again. Only you were back and you loved me like you use to love me. You picked me up, threw me over your shoulder and spun me around. I laughed and thanked God a million times that he put you in my life. It was like it had always been. Smiles, silliness, laughter, love, security. I woke up and forced myself to sleep longer. Then the sun came up and the dream ended.

That's when the nightmare began.

I'd rather take a shotgun to the chest then to let you go yet one more time.