I'm sure it didn't work becuase you are full of faith, and experiences with God, and I am empty. He wants you to have something better. I'm not good enough for you. In fact, I'm a bad thing and he wants to protect you from me.

That leaves me more alone than I've ever been.

I know what I'm missing, I just don't know where to find it or how to accept it.

DIsapeared, again

A week ago you came to my house, said I was the best thing to ever enter your life. That you missed me. That it could work. That we could make it work.

Then you took it back.

I don't understand you, or how you could do that. How could you blow air into that final ember and create a flame, only to smother it again?

Intention or not, it was cruel.

Today I mourn,

again.

I've fallen into the hole that I spent 12 months trying to fill up.

And you're not here to help me out.

Cruel.

There will be no more firsts.

I feel more empty today than I've ever felt..if feeling empty is a feeling at all.

It's barreling down upon me like a mountain liquifying before my eyes. A year. A year I live every day in reverse. I dissect it month by month, trying to make sense. Trying to grasp what time has done. What you and I have done.

I'm still sitting on the sidewalk.

I'm still waiting.

I'm still.

Today I laid in bed for 2 hours contemplating ways to get myself out of this life, this hellish nightmare that is my daily existance. I think of all of the poor choices that led me to where I am today. I can't take any of them back. I can't make any of them right. I'm to the point where I see little to no reason to keep going. My life is meaningless. I am a failure.

The True Struggle in Letting Go

So, you were/are in a relationship. At least it was/is significant enough to post on the internet. Nice to know I'm easily replaced...of course I'm just finding out six months later...I hope she's everything I never was. I hope you feel completely free with her, that you're no longer smothered, that you can be completely yourself. I hope she worships your god and prays to your saints, and is content living in fear and mediocrity.

Yes, I hope she's everything I'm not. I hope she likes being told to "fuck off", I hope she fights back when you're angry, I hope she takes you for granted, I hope she's high maintenance and demands your time and attention, I hope she takes and never gives back, I hope she gives you all the sex I never would, and I hope she gets sloshed and shows you the finer things in life. I hope she's an imbecile and hasn't a clue how to challenge an idea. I hope she's simple and plain and dependent. Yes, you always resented that fact that I wasn't dependent enough. I hope she takes, and takes, and takes, and rarely gives back.

I hope she's everything I wasn't.

I also hope you sell the guitar.

I sit across from a client who reminds me of myself: sad, broken hearted, full of grief. I don't know how to help him either.