The nightmares just keep coming, they're as intense as the awful sense of hopeless foreboding that holds me hostage on an hourly basis.

During the last one your mom came. She begged you to change your mind. She cried. I cried. You still walked away.

I think of her, and your sister. I think of how we would have been mother, daughter, sisters forever. Another part of the most amazing equation.

Almost two years later,
and it still doesn't add up

Vanished

I long to be a ghost
to more than just a memory
to more than just your memory

My life is full of waste
wasted love
wasted grief

Pain without purpose

My dearest Jacob,

I miss you every second of every day, but today the abandoned misery can't be circumvent. I scream with the pained animalistic gurggle of a tourmented soul for which there is no healing. Oh how I wish I could call back the peace, the laughter, the solace of your present strength and faith. My weaknesses are magnified in your absence, a burden I shoulder alone. There is no repentance for my sin of letting you go, no restitution can be made. I am totally and completely alone, with a void that can only be filled by you.

-C

I wonder what makes her so amazing, so lovable, so much better than me.  

I also wonder when I'll find the replacement, the one that fully makes me forget.  The one who makes this all better.  The one who can help me find my smile. 

Nineteen

Were were officially together 19 months and we've now been officially apart for 19 months.

You didn't acknowledge my birthday. That hurt.

But you congratulated me on getting into the doctoral program. That bothered me.
It still is.

I live in a frikin' vacuum.

There is nothing worse than this want of you.

It becomes more apparant

with every passing day that you and I...we..we weren't suppose to be apart. You and I don't just happen. That doesn't just happen. We were two of the lucky ones. Were being the operant word.

Even D doesn't compare to you. No one compares to you,
to us.

To us.

I no longer remember. It's been slowly slipping away. I suppose it's what was suppose to happen. What needed to happen.

I no longer remember. Happiness. Laughter. Security.

All gone.

As are you.