It becomes more apparant

with every passing day that you and I...we..we weren't suppose to be apart. You and I don't just happen. That doesn't just happen. We were two of the lucky ones. Were being the operant word.

Even D doesn't compare to you. No one compares to you,
to us.

To us.

I no longer remember. It's been slowly slipping away. I suppose it's what was suppose to happen. What needed to happen.

I no longer remember. Happiness. Laughter. Security.

All gone.

As are you.

The persistance of time

I fell in love with you three years ago this weekend...all over a caramel apple. Your laugh won me over, not to mention the caramel on your face and dripping off of your nose. Babe, you are/were the greatest blessing my life has ever seen.

A year ago today was the last time you said you loved me and meant it.

Ironic

I dreamed a dream

For the past week my nights have been punctuated by nightmares about being murdered, shot gun pushed into my chest, me begging to live. They haven't ended well.

Then I dreamed about you. You hated me. You were with another girl. She made you happy. I was devastated.

Last night I dreamed of you again. Only you were back and you loved me like you use to love me. You picked me up, threw me over your shoulder and spun me around. I laughed and thanked God a million times that he put you in my life. It was like it had always been. Smiles, silliness, laughter, love, security. I woke up and forced myself to sleep longer. Then the sun came up and the dream ended.

That's when the nightmare began.

I'd rather take a shotgun to the chest then to let you go yet one more time.

I'm sure it didn't work becuase you are full of faith, and experiences with God, and I am empty. He wants you to have something better. I'm not good enough for you. In fact, I'm a bad thing and he wants to protect you from me.

That leaves me more alone than I've ever been.

I know what I'm missing, I just don't know where to find it or how to accept it.

DIsapeared, again

A week ago you came to my house, said I was the best thing to ever enter your life. That you missed me. That it could work. That we could make it work.

Then you took it back.

I don't understand you, or how you could do that. How could you blow air into that final ember and create a flame, only to smother it again?

Intention or not, it was cruel.

Today I mourn,

again.

I've fallen into the hole that I spent 12 months trying to fill up.

And you're not here to help me out.

Cruel.

There will be no more firsts.

I feel more empty today than I've ever felt..if feeling empty is a feeling at all.

It's barreling down upon me like a mountain liquifying before my eyes. A year. A year I live every day in reverse. I dissect it month by month, trying to make sense. Trying to grasp what time has done. What you and I have done.

I'm still sitting on the sidewalk.

I'm still waiting.

I'm still.

Today I laid in bed for 2 hours contemplating ways to get myself out of this life, this hellish nightmare that is my daily existance. I think of all of the poor choices that led me to where I am today. I can't take any of them back. I can't make any of them right. I'm to the point where I see little to no reason to keep going. My life is meaningless. I am a failure.

The True Struggle in Letting Go

So, you were/are in a relationship. At least it was/is significant enough to post on the internet. Nice to know I'm easily replaced...of course I'm just finding out six months later...I hope she's everything I never was. I hope you feel completely free with her, that you're no longer smothered, that you can be completely yourself. I hope she worships your god and prays to your saints, and is content living in fear and mediocrity.

Yes, I hope she's everything I'm not. I hope she likes being told to "fuck off", I hope she fights back when you're angry, I hope she takes you for granted, I hope she's high maintenance and demands your time and attention, I hope she takes and never gives back, I hope she gives you all the sex I never would, and I hope she gets sloshed and shows you the finer things in life. I hope she's an imbecile and hasn't a clue how to challenge an idea. I hope she's simple and plain and dependent. Yes, you always resented that fact that I wasn't dependent enough. I hope she takes, and takes, and takes, and rarely gives back.

I hope she's everything I wasn't.

I also hope you sell the guitar.

I sit across from a client who reminds me of myself: sad, broken hearted, full of grief. I don't know how to help him either.

The physical anguish of your loss is gone, I haven't felt it's gnawing presence in days. It's a relief, although not welcomed, because when I give up hope, there's no hope left at all. You gave yours up months ago.

Happy Birthday

I'll be celebrating big. Even if you don't know it. In my head we're eating Berea cake in a secluded B&B overlooking a valley where it's just us and the birds.

I still love you.

No, I didn't write about it. It didn't seem relevant. Although a last minute flight across the country just to see you for 10 hours should be relevant. I came, but you weren't there. Your body was there, but you and my favorite mahogany eyes were gone. Replaced by a countenance I couldn't even recognize. I don't miss, you. I miss the you that loved me. You're slipping from my memory and my heart--it bothers me. But it doesn't.

Impossible

It's impossible that you ever loved me as deeply as I love you. Impossible.

Profound Sadness

Frank Bramley, "A Hopeless Dawn"

I no longer tell time by where you are or what you might be doing. I've gained an hour and stay in my own time zone.

One more loss.

Gone

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh no, no, no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

-Stevie Smith

Panic

The worst part is the solemn desperation that grips me 24 hours a day. I hate being desperate, it's pathetic, but it's what I am.

Thirst

I crave you. Usually I feel emotionally starved, but today my body aches for you too. You're touch was magic in it's finest form. I long to be with you, hold you holding me, to make your body do the things yours did to mine. You were the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. A euphoric drug it took 30 years to find. Your lips, your hands, your everything.

Today I crave you. Today I'd throw it all away to have you, all of it. I'd choose you over the faith that tore us apart. I would choose you a million times over.

I'd give 20 years of my life to feel you one last time.

2009

A clean slate, with nothing to write.

I still scream