Thoughts

• I miss your gray sweater
• There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief
• Missing you isn't the hardest part, knowing I once had you is
• Nothing hurts more than waiting, since I don't even know what I'm waiting for anymore
• Although we've come to the end of the road, still I can't let you go. It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you.
• I dropped a tear into the ocean; the day you find it is the day I will stop missing you
  

Thanksgiving

I'm thankful for you, even if you're gone. I had months loving and being loved. You were so much more than I could have ever wanted. I'm sick at how things have turned out. Sick.

Two Years

Two years ago today life gave me the greatest thing I've ever received: you. Two years ago today I discovered a happiness I never knew existed, unparalleled. Two years ago I entered the greatest dream I've ever dreamt. Two short years ago.

How quickly time slips by.

Each second is one we'll never get back.

All I have of you is a memory, a memory that is fading.

And thoughts. Thoughts of you in love with everyone but me.

I would be ok if I disappeared and never knew.

But something tells me I will.

And that will be the day I truly die.

You loved me.

A year ago you loved me.

Three months ago you loved me.

Time.

I'm growing old while you're growing younger.

I wish I were her. Waiting around the corner to meet you. Unaware of the amazing beauty that life is about to give me.

The sun has set in my world, but rising in hers.

I wish it was my turn,

again.

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

-Edgar Allan Poe

Unrequited Love

A horrible one sided battle

I live so far away
from myself
The last time
I met me
was when
I met you,
and since then
I haven’t met me.
I live so far away
from myself.
I want to meet me,
where are you?

-unknown

There is

so much to say
yet nothing at the same time
what's left?
everything
5 months and I still can't stop crying
5 months and I still live each day in a daze
the only thing I believe is that this is a nightmare
and eventually I'll wake up
next to you
and everything will be perfect again.

Whole

Healing is about learning how to live around the hole, not fill it. Nothing can fill it. That space was yours.

Resolved

I'm resolving myself to the fact that my beautiful charmed life no longer resists. I cry, but not as much. I still live in disbelief that in a matter of hours my life was irrevocably altered and nothing can put it back together. Yes, I'm resolved.

My heart still beats, without your love. My eyes still see, without the spark of the life you gave me. My lungs still breathe, without the sent of you. The pain is still there, but it's become a part of the fabric of who I am.

I am resolved.

I live because.
Just because.

I miss living because living with you was what I've always lived to do.

I am resolved,
But hollow.

And the week begins

The Reality

I'm racked with torment.

Another Day

I'm obsessed with time these days. I can't stop thinking about it. The hours just keep ticking by. Soon it will be the 17th and you will have been gone 5 months. I can't fathom it. After five comes 6. Half a year. It can't possibly have been that long since I saw you, touched you, loved you. It can't. The last 4+ months have been a complete blur, a thick haze, the worst storm I've ever endured. Denial. I live in total and complete denial. I wish I could will myself away, the pain is crushing. I'm not Atlas. Part of the problem is I carry you with me, I refuse to let you go. No matter how much logic fills my head, my heart continues to hold on. I continue to wish for you. Wait for you. I repeat the last works you said to me. How you were never yourself, stifled. I know you lied. The you I knew lied. We spent endless days together, nights together, weeks together. You didn't want to go out with anyone else because you couldn't get enough of me, those were your words not mine. But I repeat your last words, over and over again, hoping that they will ease my aching heart. They do, and they don't. Because the you that was when you were with me was genuine and real, but the you that is without me is someone else. Someone who would never have liked me to begin with.

My Answer

Today logic asked me why I went into debt to ship all of my stuff home with me. "That's a good question", I answered, and then fell into a mindful silence. My heart spoke up and responded, because of you. Because that is the bed where we slept, laughed, cried, and fell in love. Those are the dressers which were scattered with pictures of you, and us. And as crappy as it is, that is the bike I bought so we could 'exercise'....ha, ha, ha, how pathetic that was.

I went into debt because I couldn't leave you behind. I had to drag every minute detail with me. Even if logic does say it was foolish, my heart knows it's priceless.

I thought you'd like this one

It's entitle "Private Grief". It reminds me of the painting you liked at the Cincinnati Museum of art.

It was a miracle, you were my miracle

Two years ago today I prayed and asked God to send me someone. Three weeks later he sent me you. What a blessing you were. You loved me the way I always dreamed of being loved. You were more than I ever could have imagined.

Today I cried, tears of gratitude.
My heart ached, for you and the me I was when I was with you.

I’d do it again. I only wish I could make the same petition and get the same result: you.

No words necessary