The Last of '08

Thanks for the birthday wish. My wish for 2009 is the same as it was for 2008: you

.

Babe,

I still feel connected to you. Still feel that you're connected to me too. I know you read my blog. I know you think of me.

We were meant to be together. We're suppose to be together. God put us together, we just need to put us together.

There are things I think but cannot say. The reality within is painful enough.

Empty

There's nothing left to say any more. Six months came and went, and you're still there and I'm still here.

That says it all.

Winter

I'm cold.
And achy.

Life is a Tragedy

It wasn't long ago...

...that I use to lie awake at night trying to comprehend the concept of a black hole, a self destructive vacuum of nothingness...and then I fell into one. I think I understand.

Dream

Last night I dreamt that we were together, and happy. Then you suddenly changed and started asking me what girls I would set you up with. I was crushed and started to cry. I went home and decided that I needed to tell you that our love was God given, that we had something very few people ever even get close to experiencing, that we could do it. I knew you wouldn't agree.

Then I woke up, a rush of relief that it was only a dream.

Then I really woke up and realized that dream is my reality, one from which I'll never awake.

Mess

I am a shattered mess. I was filled with an aching emptiness before you, endless joy and comfort with you and a gaping hole without you. 1/2 of my soul is missing. I feel completely broken. The zombie-like state seems to be getting worse. I go about my day but only my shell is alive, I, I am somewhere else. I desperately want to get over you before you get over me. Desperately. I'm competitive and to me this is a race. But I fear I will never get over you. Words were never enough to tell you what you meant to me. I thought about seeing you again. I would die of embarrassment: the 4th grade fat girl who has a crush on the popular boy. Only the popular boy doesn't have a crush on her---embarassing. To love and not be loved in return. That's who I am, the fat girl again. Only the boy did love me, he just didn't love my religion.

Strange

There is a heavy nothingness that has descended upon me. I can't even explain it. Good hell, I'm careening towards 6 months, 1/3 of the time I had you, and I feel like it was yesterday. I feel like happiness was only a day away. But it's almost 6 months. Strange, incomprehensible. My life is incomprehensible. No one can explain it to me. Grief has become my constant companion, and what a dreaded cloud of darkness that is. I don't know if it will ever be ok again. I don't know if I will ever wake up from this hell. My spirit has been sucked from me. Taken. I don't even know how to pretend. I'm beyond all feeling. Beyond all hope.