Split

I wonder what it would be like to not think about this, you, everything. It's consuming and exhausting. I think about it when I wake up, during the day, as I sleep. I'm constantly thinking. It's getting to the point where I'm frustrated and resentful that you occupy so much of my time and energy. I mean it's not your fault, but it's still you. And how awful is it that THE day I start to feel peace, THE day I feel like I can let you go and not completely fall apart, THE day I feel strong, you come back. I've wanted you to come back for months; but not now, not when I've cried all I have to cry, and given you everything I have to give. I feel like I'm continually being robbed of my sanity. I can't live in this tide, no one can live in this tide. You love me. You don't love me. You love me. You don't love me. It's like pulling petals off a never ending flower. I don't trust you any more, one more loss. Part of me wants to, but reality tells me I can't. Words are easy, putting those words into practice takes so much more. I honestly don't believe you have it in you. I wish you did, but I know you well enough to know that it's too overwhelming to even entertain. I'm too overwhelming to entertain. Yes, I want to see you again, I want to touch you again, and hold you again, and laugh with you again. No, I don't want to see you and realize that the love really is gone, and we're better off walking our separate paths. Either way it's misery. Complete and utter misery. That's what you are becoming to me, excruciating pain. The hollow ache that won't go away. The wound that continually gets ripped open. The breath keeps getting knocked out of me. It took me so long to stand up, and now I'm back down again, gasping for air and looking for an escape.

It's been four months. Four long, miserable months. What made you think there is anything left to be salvaged? You asked me to give up, and that's what I did. Why is it now, after I've crested the mountain and started walking to the other side that you come back? I don't know what to believe any more, so I don't believe anything. I do what I can to stifle the pitiful hope that creeps in and taints my spirit.

You said you'd call. I don't believe you.
You said you were coming. I don't believe you.
You said you love me. I don't believe you.

You are scared
You are confused
You are miserable without me but not able to mend that misery
You hate that I left, took back some control and left you alone
You lie to yourself, and me
You. You exhaust me.

Please stop toying with me.
Please pick a side and stay there.
Please come back and make this better.
Please stay away and don't make this any worse.
Please, please, please.